Michelle Renee Speaks

I was driving home the other day, heading East just about the time the sun was going down behind me.  Rolling hills, music playing, little traffic.  Nice and relaxing. Until the setting sun just about blinded me in the rearview mirror. Blinking from seeing spots, I flipped the mirror up and tried to get back to my relaxing drive home. Not so fast. God had something to say. As I glanced back up to the rearview mirror, I noticed the strange pattern of shadows it was creating from the reflection of the sun. I had to squint to see any kind of detail. All the rolling hills behind me were now cast in various shades of shadow.  I couldn't clearly make out much of anything, and the beauty I was beholding a few minutes before had now turned to ominous shifting patterns of grey. In true form, I took notice and began to ponder how with one flip of a switch everything took on such a drastically different appearance. I use this function at night all th...

Control. We all want it. We don't always get it. Sometimes we get it, then decide we don't want it. Sigh. In my life I've come to recognize control as an old familiar acquaintance, continually proving that my sense of having it is simply an illusion. Just when I think I have it, it's often yanked from my groping hands and there's not much I can do about it.  When we feel like we are in control, we often feel pretty comfortable with it. You may tell yourself you've earned it. You may snatch it away from someone else and justify it. You may hoard it, thinking no one can hurt you. You may sacrifice pieces of your character to have it. You may hide behind it. When we feel out of control, we often feel frantic. Why are we afraid to let go of it? we feel weak we feel uncomfortable we feel ineffective we feel frustrated we feel exposed we feel like we are floundering, grasping we wonder what will happen and how we...

When life smacks you upside the head, do you ever wonder why? Why is this happening to me? To my family? To... whatever! Not a sparrow falls to the ground without God’s knowledge… But sparrows still fall. God works all things for the good of those who love Him… But He still allows His saints to suffer. And He doesn’t always tell us why. Does God see me in this mess? When it seems like everyone else smiling, but you are just too tired to fake it. When leaving the house seems like a momentous chore. When things look dull and your life seems the same day after day. When you’ve been cheated, betrayed or kicked out. When all the nice Christian answers just don’t cut it anymore. When “difficult” is an understatement for this current life season, and you can’t see an end. When you wonder who your real friends are. When you try to hear from God and there’s only silence. I feel like the desire to know why is built into us. If we can just put our finger on it- the cause, the reason, calcul...

Perhaps you've heard this famous verse from the Bible a 1000 times like I have: Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10) I even have it on a beautiful piece of art hanging in my kitchen. This framed photo captures a bare tree in the winter surrounded by snow, cold and complete stillness. In the past year especially, this verse has taken on new meaning for me as our family has been through the ringer. We have endured trials of many kinds; including personal betrayal, slander, rejection, moving to several different states in one year, job losses, death of a close family member and more. All of this, on top of a previous year of burnout and major medical issues.  Not whining, just being real with you. Honestly, it's been hard to be still through all of this turmoil. How does God expect me to do this? There are problems to be solved here! There is justice to be had here! God, where are you? It was one of those moments I was asking Him thi...

Recently I wrote about something that is near and dear to my heart: ministry spouses.  Being one myself, I've observed how people often are unsure how to relate to them, so I offered a few tips in my new blog post called 5 Ways to Love Your Pastor's Spouse .   (click on the title to read)  This is not a comprehensive list by any means, but a good start... and really, these are things anyone would appreciate! How do you honor your pastor's spouse? I would love to hear about it!

About a year ago, I shared with you about hitting a wall and realizing it had a name: burnout. You can read my description of it  here . Honestly, I felt pretty stupid. I thought it couldn't happen to me. After all, I'm a nice person, I try to live right. I have an interesting portfolio and am a hard worker with ethics and integrity. I'm a Christ-follower, minister, wife and a host of other things... and a work in progress. Then, a wake-up call. It did happen. It hurt in ways I can't describe. I'm still in recovery, but seeing the light again and for that I'm so grateful. Writing about my journey is not only cathartic, but also in hopes that I may help someone out there who is also grappling with the same burden.  I've absorbed a lot in the past several years, and I hope to share some of that insight with you through a series of blog posts. If this is you, hold on. It will get better. If this is not you right now, perhaps you could pass th...

I've heard more than one person say to me that this past year hasn't been a great one for them.  I can relate. I usually just nod my head in understanding, fully recognizing that I'm not the only one that feels this way.  Especially around the dawn of 2015, I heard a lot of... "Not sad to see 2014 end" "Goodbye 2014... don't let the door hit you on the way out" "New year's resolution? Not to repeat 2014" For those of you that know me well, you know I'm a doer. A go-getter. A "get 'er done" gal. Someone that has spent her entire career focused on necessary advanced planning, project deadlines, detailed organization and shooting for excellence.  It's how I'm wired. Strange to some of my musician friends I'm sure, but nevertheless, a musician that likes this stuff. I'm an interesting mix of left and right brained- both fighting to take control- and yet somehow working together. (But they often...

Today I spent some time deadheading my petunias- again . It seems like the hotter the summer gets, the more I have to pull those dead blooms off these plants, otherwise they look pathetic. I've learned that if I don't do this, the plant doesn't thrive and grow new and bigger blooms.  It's a tedious job, often time consuming- and sticky-  and I don't particularly enjoy it.  So it is with our lives. We need those dead things pulled off in order to grow, to thrive, to bloom. Carry enough of those dead things around and we get weighed down. The process is  tedious, time-consuming, often sticky and unpleasant. I don't particularly enjoy it!  Life gets hotter than we'd like at times, and the heat can wilt our hearts, causing things we need to let go ... to die.  This feels bad, it hurts and it's hard! Sometimes the process seems like it goes on and on . But in the end it will bear greater things when we continue to choose growth in courage, ...

Have not I commanded you? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, nor afraid or discouraged: for the Lord your God is with you  wherever  you go.  -Joshua 1:9 One of my favorite scenes in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy is when Eowyn (a woman of royalty) looks at Meriadoc (a.k.a. Merry)- about to embark on the biggest battle Middle Earth has ever seen- and says "Courage Merry...you ride with me." She sweeps him off his feet and on to her horse and ride off into battle. You can just see the courage rise up within him as he makes the decision of a lifetime. Although a small and untrained hobbit who has made his share of mistakes along his journey, he decides to choose courage in the face of most certain death.  The stakes were high and he knew it. Sometimes as humans, we forget to choose courage. We look around at our circumstances and wonder how we ever got ourselves into this mess.  We worry that we're not good enough, pretty enough, talented ...

Life in ministry can cause this condition:   Yes, you heard right. Ministry life can cause a woman to join the banana bowl. In my ministry life, I have joined the banana bowl many times. At times, voluntarily. Other times, out of sheer necessity. You see, although in reality I might feel like an apple,  sometimes the situation calls for a banana. I totally believe that we should seek out, understand and embrace our God-given gifts. Our wise Creator has built into our DNA to passionately serve through these giftings and our ultimate purpose is, in part,  lived out using and growing these gifts.  However... There are times in ministry where we are called to step out of our "comfort zones" and function in areas that we don't necessarily feel strong or comfortable in. Perhaps we haven't had appropriate time to pray about it or even prepare in advance. Maybe the situation completely took yo...

As a woman in ministry, you will visit this place often: Why? Because we are in the people business. People are human, like us. People make mistakes. Sometimes very painful mistakes. People will hurt us and those we love. It causes us to ask the proverbial question- why is this happening? But there is a flip-side to disappointment. Love. If you find yourself disappointed, it's because you love. If you didn't love, you wouldn't care. The deeper the love, the deeper the disappointment. All because you love...and that's a good thing. I've been choosing lately, to go ahead and feel my disappointment instead of denying it's there. To do the work of examining my heart and ultimately giving it over to the Lord. Next, I choose to thank God for giving me this love for them in the first place. To deepen it. To widen my vision.  To show me how to proceed. Does this make the feeling go away? No. Does it change the cir...

I'm not sure why this is, but it is. I've observed this over and over throughout our ministry lives: Pastor's wives. Sitting alone in church. I've been trying to figure this out for a long time.  Partly because I'm a pastor's wife, and a pastor myself. Partly because, more often than not, I've sat alone for many years too. Partly because I'm an observer of people. It saddens me and fascinates me all at once. I know- weird. But why? It's probably logical right? The pastor is usually busy doing his thing on Sunday morning and his wife is left to navigate on her own, deal with the kids and often do ministry work as well. People have their own families, and usually, their fiercely claimed weekly pew (or chair). Let's admit it folks- we are creatures of habit....and comfort.  And there sits the pastor's wife. Usually towards the front somewhere- alone- or maybe with some kiddos to keep quiet. Usually Sundays ar...